Have you ever watched a highly rated film, as reviewed by the New York Times or some other pompous metro-sexual publication, only to find the movie an incredible piece of crap?  I know I have.  Why the disconnect?

First of all, how many real men do you know who are hired as film reviewers by TV, magazines, or newspapers?  The answer is probably… none.  There aren’t any.  At least not any I’ve ever seen or read.  (My apologies to any real men out there who do review movies.  You probably reside in ‘fly-over country’ and don’t get published to the same extent as your metro-sexual brethren.)

In any event, how can these reviewers possibly speak for real men, when in fact they’re metro-sexuals, homosexuals, and/or women?  Answer:  they can’t.  They don’t know us and they don’t know how we think.  And even if they did, they’re more concerned with what they think than what you think.

Now, they think they know how we think.  They believe we’re a bunch of primitive, unsophisticated, three-toed sloths who can’t tell the difference between a Bordeaux and Burgundy.  O.K., they might be right about the wine.  But I bet they couldn’t tell a Bud Light from a Coors Light.  Generally, they not only scoff at people who don’t think like them, they go out of their way to show their contempt and disdain for them.

The editors are also the problem.  You know, the guys who send these people out to review the movies?  Let’s take a movie by Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Willis, or someone similar.  How in the world can a 25 year old Manhattan woman, or a 33 year old San Francisco homosexual, or a 41 year old New York metro-sexual possibly properly review a movie like the Terminator, Rambo, or Die Hard movies?  They can’t.

How can a young Manhattan woman for example, possibly appreciate the blood, guts, violence, electronics, and war as depicted in the Terminator movies?  She can’t and she won’t.  Instead, she might tell you that the terminator showed no sensitive or feminine side, or had no feelings, so she couldn’t relate to him – you know, like the guys that they know and dominate in their daily lives.

Also, don’t get me wrong.  I’ve got nothing against women, metro-sexuals, or homo-sexuals.  As a matter of fact, I love women.  But I just don’t think like them when it comes to movies (or a lot of other things).  Also, we need these people to review wimpy, sissy, artsy movies.  Because, by the same token, we can’t have a real man reviewer going out to review Sleepless in Seattle or My Best Friend’s Wedding.  I mean, how can a macho, rugged man possibly give a review that would reflect the perspective of a woman or metro-sexual?

 

By FRANKLIN PIERCE

Science Correspondent

BRUSSELS, Belgium. (UP) -- Scientists at the University of Brussels have confirmed that certain visual stimuli have a direct impact on the nature and proportions of one’s reproductive system. Specifically, the study found that reading certain men’s magazines actually increased the size of men’s testicles and sexual organs. Researchers found the greatest increases occurred while reading the publication Real Man Magazine which touts itself as the world’s most popular online magazine for the man’s man.

Scientists believe the reasons for the increases in the size of both men’s and women’s sexual organs were due to a combination of the images and the content within the magazine. Certain images and content apparently stimulate the brain to produce increased levels of hormones. These hormones help the body to achieve enormous gains in the size of the sexual organs.

In the instances of GQ, Men’s Health, Men’s Vogue, and Best Life, where men’s sexual organs actually decreased in size, scientists found that the men showed dramatic increases in the hormone estrogen, found primarily and abundant in women. Scientists attribute this phenomenon to the predominantly feminine and homo-erotic images and content within these publications.

The results were not limited to physiology. Scientists reported unusual behaviors from persons participating in the study who experienced the most dramatic growth results.

In one case, a man consumed over a dozen beers, assaulted five aggressive tavern patrons, and had voluntary sexual relations with three women simultaneously, immediately after the incident. In another case, a man lifted a burning car off of an accident victim. Finally, researchers reported another man set new world records for weight lifting, bull riding, and ski jumping within two weeks after participating in the study.

In the case of the women, one woman initially characterized as reserved and docile, ventured into a local gentlemen’s club and performed a highly skilled burlesque routine involving gymnast-like moves around a center pole. The woman later had sexual relations with approximately five gentlemen simultaneously, leaving all of the men in a state of exhaustion. Several calls were also reported to emergency services. Apparently, certain women who participated in the study gained insatiable sexual appetites. Many of their partners called emergency operators requesting the dispatcher send out officers to restrain the women and prevent them from engaging in additional sexual acts with the men.  The officers responding to the scenes later requested the assistance of additional officers.

After the findings of the study were reported in the Brussels newspaper, the Real Man Magazine website was overloaded with visitors and was consequently offline briefly until additional servers were made available. The scientists are scheduled to publish the complete study later this year in the New England Journal of Medicine. 

The competition determines a champion. It also determines the greatness of a champion. What would Larry be without Magic, Ali be without Frazier, and the Yankees be without the Red Sox, just to name a few. While certainly not his fault, Tiger has no Magic, Frazier, or Red Sox.

A recent study by a college student showed that pro golfers shot higher scores when Tiger Woods was in the tournament than when Tiger was not in the tournament.  If this isn’t the definition of choking, I don't know what is.

This study should come as no surprise to anyone who regularly watches the PGA tour.  Nearly every weekend when Tiger is in the hunt, the golfers ahead of him give away strokes faster than a massage therapist during a happy ending.  Most of the time we watch golfers well in control, gradually give away strokes until Tiger, who looked like he was out of the tournament, finds himself in the lead.  Many times Tiger is shooting a poor or very average round.  It’s the other golfers who come back to him.

It’s almost a foregone conclusion that Tiger is never out of the tournament – not only because Tiger shoots himself back in to the tournament after a poor round or two, but more often because the other golfers shoot themselves out of the tournament.

As a real golf fan, it’s discouraging to see such a lack of competition.  We long for a challenge to Tiger.  Golf could be so much more exciting.  How good would it be for the fans and the game of golf for some other golfer to stare down Tiger, gut it out, and win? 

Golf is in serious need of some men with balls.  We need a real man to step up, handle his nerves, and play up to his potential.  We need a man who can do that consistently.  Right now, there are no real men in golf.

This wasn’t the case when Jack Nicklaus was playing.  Nicklaus faced the likes of Gary Player (9 majors), Tom Watson (8 majors), Arnold Palmer (7 majors), Lee Trevino (6 majors), Raymond Floyd (4 majors), Billy Casper (3 majors) , Julius Boros (3 majors), Hale Irwin (3 majors), and Larry Nelson (3 majors).  All of these players have won at least three majors during Nicklaus’ days.  None of them folded.  All of them manned up when the going got tough.  As a matter of fact, these players have a total of 46 majors amongst them.  They battled Nicklaus.  They looked him in the eye and stared him down.  And quite often, they won.

            There’s a scene in the movie Groundhog Day where Bill Murray and Andie MacDowell are sitting at a bar. Bill Murray’s character is trying to learn what Andie MacDowell’s character wants in a man, so that he can begin to mimic such a man. She tells him her man has such traits as “sensitive”, “gentle”, and “supportive”, to which Bill Murray replies: “this is a man we’re talking about, right?”

Sorry Bill. We really aren’t talking about men too much these days – or for the last 40 years, for that matter. The talk these days is much more about metrosexuals and sensitive guys, than about real men. The testicularly challenged media have convinced many men that they should be more sensitive, cry more, be more vulnerable, and get in touch with their feminine side. 

In certain instances, being a little more sensitive may not be a bad idea for some men. The problem is that the pendulum has swung way too far to one side. We’re no longer talking about how a real man needs to incorporate some more compassion in to his life, for example, in order to be a more well-balanced man. Instead, these more feminine members of the media and society are suggesting that men should act more like women. Those of us who resist or even challenge such ideas are denigrated, insulted, and scoffed at as insensitive, unenlightened, Neanderthals.

The problem is we’re influenced by a media made up of some of the wimpiest girlie men you’ll ever see. Very, very few of them have ever:

·         had to use their hands to make a living;

·         sweated on a job;

·         fished;

·         shot a gun;

·         ridden a motorcycle;

·         played team sports;

      And let me qualify my ‘real man’ statements once again. You don’t have to do all of these things to be a real man. Plenty of real men wear suits to work, think for a living, and don’t hunt. Many real men live in the city. However, these real men exude a manly confidence that says to the world they could - if they had to - live off the land, provide for their families, and survive. And if a disaster ever occurred these urban men wouldn’t panic, but would help others, lead others, and help everyone around them survive.

The testosterone deficient media have propagated a fallacy prevalent in today’s society: that women really want a sensitive, caring man; that they want someone that they can cry with; that they want a man to be more like a woman. Don’t fall for it. Don’t think you need to go on Que-r Eye For The Straight Guy and have a bunch of gay guys hover over you and make you up pretty in order to be attractive to women. They aren’t trying to make you become more of a man. They’re trying to get you to become more feminine, like them. 

Sure, some women like wimpy men. Some women want guys that shave all of the hair off their bodies and wear bikini underwear. Some women want men who use more beauty products than they do. Some women want men they can dominate. Some women want a man who cries a lot. But let’s not get carried away and think that these women are the majority.   Not by a long shot.

Let’s face it. Two guys walk in to a room of women. One guy is a wimpy, sensitive, touchy feely sort of guy who can really sympathize and cry with these women. He moisturizes, has a fresh manicure with clear polish, and has his clothes picked out by Todd the gay fashion consultant. His hair is highlighted and if you look closely, you can see he’s wearing ‘man’ makeup. He recently shaved his entire body before he went to the tanning booth. The second guy is a strong, masculine man oozing testosterone and confidence. Sure he may have cried by himself when his mom died or his football team lost the big game, but he doesn’t go around wearing his tears on his sleeve. He’s naturally muscular from working outdoors for a living. He has a beer in one hand and a cigar in his shirt pocket. He’s got on a well worn pair of comfortable jeans and a casual shirt. He’s got a tattoo on one bicep and a small scar over his left eye. He smiles broadly as he enters the room and has an easy going nature about him. Other men give him space as he approaches, out of respect.

Which guy do you think these women want to get in to bed, and which guy do you think, they think, would make a nice friend? Exactly. Women will often tell you they want the sensitive guy, but the reality is that their sensitive guy looks much less attractive to them when up against a real man.

Sure some women would like their insensitive slob of a husband to be a little more conscious of how they feel, what they put up with, and what they go through as a woman on and off the job every day. And sure, some guys could use a smack upside the head to help them appreciate how to deal with a woman a little better. I mean Dude – she’s your woman, not one of the guys.

But some of these poor fools have been so brainwashed by what they read in “Men’s Magazines” and what they see on TV and in the movies, that it makes me roll on the floor in laughter and simultaneously cringe with disgust. Take for example Ben Affleck. Now Ben seems like a perfectly decent guy. I like some of his movies very much, and I’d probably like him personally if I ever met him. Once upon a time, before he became ‘Hollywoodized’, if you will, he may have been a regular beer drinking, sports playing, working with his hands sort of guy. But today he’s become a poster child for the so-called metro-sexuals. In a recent article I read, I don’t recall where, the author (a man) was fawning all over what a great feminine ‘man’ Ben was. The author suggested that Ben was so sensitive that not only would he change the diapers of his child, but he would breast feed his baby if he could. ‘Breast feed his baby if he could’? Are you freaking kidding me!?

Ben, please tell us you’ve never suggested such a thing to anyone. Please tell us that you’ve never even given anyone the slightest indication that you would do such a thing. Please tell us that the person who wrote that is full of baloney, and that they’re not basing it on your actual words. Ben, if you actually said this, please do us all a favor; deposit your testicles in to the slot by the door and leave. It’s time you went to play for the other team.

There’s nothing wrong with changing diapers. A real man would always help the woman he loves in any way he can. Changing diapers is one way to do it and bond with your kid. But breast feeding? Let’s take a moment to go back over the facts of life. Men and women mate, the woman gives birth to the child, and the woman breast feeds the child until the appropriate age when the child can eat solid food. The man protects his family and provides food and shelter for them. He teaches his son how to become a man and how to provide for the son’s own family, and the cycle continues. 

Notice that in my ‘facts of life’, nowhere did I suggest that the man snuggle the child up to his hairy bosom and nurse the child. I know the author of the article was talking hypothetically, but it scares me. These people are passionate about how men should act like women. Pretty soon, someone is going to invent a device that a man wears on his chest which holds milk, so that a man can actually breast feed his children. What’s that? You say someone has already invented such a device? Doesn’t surprise me.

Think back. Imagine, there you are as a 6 month old child. You’re cranky and hungry after waking up from an afternoon nap. Your parent picks you up and nuzzles you right up to their bosom and you start feeding. You gradually open your sleepy little eyes, as you continue to nurse, and you look up to see – YOUR FREAKING DAD!

Can you imagine the trauma this would cause you for the rest of your life? You’ve grown up associating those warm and fuzzy comforting, nourishing feelings with nursing from a man’s breast. Good God man!

Trying to raise a real man in today’s world may be harder than splitting an atom. Everyday our kids are bombarded with images and messages of the most unmanly things imaginable. Magazines are full of sexually ambiguous models dressed in feminine clothes in homo-erotic poses. There’s a new book out every month about how you don’t need a man in the house to raise a man. TV shows typically are full of metro-sexual, gay, and otherwise wimpy male characters, and nearly every Hollywood movie that comes out has at least one homosexual character. Almost every dad in the movies or on TV is either a miserable lout or a complete buffoon. At school your kids are subjected to all sorts of programs designed to promote unmanly lifestyles. Real men have disappeared from history books and have been replaced with politically correct figures. Any boy reading magazines, attending public school, and watching TV or movies would assume that half of the men in the world are gay, and the other half are metro-sexual or girlie men. That’s why your job as a father is as tough as it’s even been. It’s you against the world.

Let’s be clear about a dad’s role in raising a child. It takes a man and a woman to raise a real man. A boy needs a mother to nurture him, and take care of him. He also needs the influence of a strong, masculine male figure in his life. These influences balance each other out. If you’re missing either influence, you tend to get less than optimal results.

Children need and rely on their mothers more at an early age. However, as a boy becomes a teenager and advances through adolescence, his father must step up his influence. This is the time where boys typically begin to rebel and assert some independence. This is when they start to become men. They begin to gravitate towards their fathers. They seek out more dangerous or risky activities. 

As your boy starts to grow into a man and seeks out your guidance, you still need to support his mother’s influence. For example, a male teenager will often disrespect his mother because they’re acting out in their masculinity. No longer are they physically inferior to their mothers. They’ll usually test their mothers more than their fathers. A father has to set the boy straight. They need to be taught to always act respectfully towards their mothers.

Of course, raising a kid is always a crap shoot. You can do everything by the book, and still end up with a kid who goes completely off the deep-end. They may rebel, run away, turn to drugs, and act out in all sorts of self-destructive ways you never imagined possible. Also, how many of us have two or more kids that we’ve treated exactly the same way, only to watch one of them go in a completely different direction. You drive yourself nuts trying to figure out what you did wrong. Sometimes, it has nothing to do with you. It’s just the personality of the child, their friends, and other influences over which you have very little control.

However, chances are that if a boy is raised by a real man in a structured environment, he’s much more likely to grow in to a real man himself - a strong, independent, and responsible man. So how do you raise a strong, independent, responsible, real man – a man who is honorable, intelligent, financially stable, able to take care of and protect his own family, and able to successfully raise children of his own? Here are some suggestions:

• Let them play with boy toys

In spite of what the girlie men state, it’s o.k. for boys to play with boy toys. It’s o.k. for them to play ‘Army’ and ‘Cowboys and Indians’. It’s o.k. for them to use saws, hammers, drills, and other tools. It’s o.k. for them to play with toy guns. 

• Let them play like boys

Boys like to be boys. You should encourage that behavior, rather than discourage it. They like to play in the mud and in the dirt. They like to splash in puddles and play in the rain. They like to wrestle and fight. Provide boundaries for all of those things, but in general, let them do it.

• Do manly activities with your boys

Take them hunting and fishing. Go camping and dirt bike riding. Go hiking and mountain climbing. Take them to baseball and football games. Build a fort with them. In addition to bonding time, these activities are all opportunities to teach your boys man skills: setting up camp, starting fires, cleaning game, marksmanship, respecting nature, building skills, sports rules, coordination, etc. You absolutely should also do more ‘cultural’ activities with your boys like taking them to museums, plays, movies, concerts, and fine restaurants. However, these are things which can be done with the whole family. Our focus here is specifically on manly activities you do with your boys.

• Do manly activities with other men and boys

Take the opportunity to do manly activities in the company of other men and boys. For example, if you have friends with boys, you might go on hunting, fishing, or camping trips together. This gives your boys an opportunity to see other real men in action. It provides positive male role models, and reinforcements of real man behaviors.

• Do manly activities with your boys regularly

It’s not enough to take your boys on a fishing trip then never do it again. You need to do things with them regularly. For example, you might get them involved in Little League during the spring, fishing over the summer, and hunting during the fall. Throw in a few camping trips and sports events throughout the year.

• Get them involved in team sports.

Encourage them to join Little League or Pop Warner football. Spend some evenings and weekends practicing with them each week. They’ll learn how to work in a team environment, learn sports skills, develop confidence as they improve their skills, and enjoy quality bonding time with their father.

• Teach them guidelines about crying

Our society has drilled in to our heads that it’s o.k. for men to cry at any time for any reason – the more the better. No, it’s not o.k. It is o.k. for men to cry once in awhile, but never in public. In general, you need to teach your boys to suck it up. This teaches them discipline and will power. It also teaches them to maintain composure during crisis or difficult times when they need all of their faculties to focus on solutions to problems.

• Provide positive reinforcement

At every opportunity, stress to your boys how special they are, how smart they are, and how tough they are. Tell them you’re proud of them and that they can be anything they want. Do it often.

• Don’t save your boys from suffering the consequences

Our society is full of sports figures that have been brought up with the idea that they can do no wrong. They’ve never had to take responsibility for their actions. Instead, someone was always there to make excuses for them or take care of any problems that they created. More often than not, boys raised in this manner end up getting involved in drugs, crime, and all sorts of other nasty behaviors.

It’s difficult not to help our kids in certain circumstances. Our instincts are to care for them. The problem is that if we’re always saving them, they learn that there are no consequences to mistakes or bad behavior. Women, especially, try to save their kids every chance they get. It’s their nurturing instinct and it’s admirable. But you’re not a woman, and you’re not rearing women. You’re a real man tying to raise a responsible real man. 

Allow your boys to suffer the consequences of their mistakes. For example, if you reminded them to bring their coat along yet they still forgot it, let them be cold rather than giving up your coat. If they suffer the consequence, they won’t forget the coat the next time. If you give them your coat or don’t allow them to suffer the consequence, they’ll probably forget the coat the next time as well. Of course you want to do this within reason. You don’t want them to become a human ice sickle in order to teach them not to forget their coat. 

• Don’t rush them in to manhood. 

A boy will naturally start gravitating towards his father in his early teens. He’ll still go to his mother for sympathy and motherly love. Don’t belittle it. Allow him to maintain a bond with the woman who gave birth to him. Fathers always worry about their sons becoming mama’s boys – an unhealthy relationship with their mothers. You can minimize that by regularly doing more manly activities with your son.

• Be firm, but fair

Your son needs a strong male figure, not a wishy-washy, milquetoast one. Set rules for him and let him know you expect him to follow them, otherwise there will be consequences. But be fair. It’s easy to get caught up in the authority of being a father and being in control. It’s easy to sometimes be unreasonable. Don’t fall in to this trap. You’ll teach your son far more by being fair than by regularly being an unreasonable jerk.

• Don’t be his friend

You’re his dad, not his buddy. After he’s an adult, then you can relate more like friends. But while he’s growing up, he needs strong guidance more than friendship. By all means, bond, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company. Just don’t confuse being a friend with being a father. He’ll develop far more respect for you as his father than as his buddy.

• Show affection

It’s o.k. to shake your sons hand, pat him on the back, and yes even hug him. It sends a message that even though you’re tough on him, you care for him and love him. Let’s face it. As a man, it’s not always easy to tell someone you love them. If you can’t manage it, you’ll at least be sending that message through your actions. He’ll know it. If you are able to tell your boys you love them, the pats and hugs will reinforce what you’re telling him. Just don’t overdo it with the touchy feely stuff. That’s his mother’s domain, not yours.

If you follow these steps, you just might be able to beat the odds in our homo / metro sexual world, and end up the proud father of a genuine, real man. And perhaps someday, the real man you raised will discover the two things that all men do when they reach a certain point in their lives: one, that you were once a kid just like him; and two, that you are in fact a very smart guy, not the dummy he thought you were when he was a teenager. I’ll allow Thomas Wolfe and Mark Twain the final words to explain this phenomenon.

"Sherman made the terrible discovery that men make about their fathers sooner or later  . . . that the man before him was not an aging father but a boy, a boy much like himself, a boy who grew up and had a child of his own and, as best he could . . . adopted a role called Being a Father so that his child would have something mythical and infinitely important: a Protector, who would keep a lid on all the chaotic and catastrophic possibilities of life."  --Tom Wolfe, The Bonfire of the Vanities

"When I was a boy of 14 my father was so ignorant that I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in only 7 years."--Mark Twain

 

Franklin Pierce is editor of Real Man Magazine. www.realmanmag.com

©2008 Real Man Magazine