Have you ever watched a highly rated film, as reviewed by the New York Times or some other pompous metro-sexual publication, only to find the movie an incredible piece of crap?  I know I have.  Why the disconnect?

First of all, how many real men do you know who are hired as film reviewers by TV, magazines, or newspapers?  The answer is probably… none.  There aren’t any.  At least not any I’ve ever seen or read.  (My apologies to any real men out there who do review movies.  You probably reside in ‘fly-over country’ and don’t get published to the same extent as your metro-sexual brethren.)

In any event, how can these reviewers possibly speak for real men, when in fact they’re metro-sexuals, homosexuals, and/or women?  Answer:  they can’t.  They don’t know us and they don’t know how we think.  And even if they did, they’re more concerned with what they think than what you think.

Now, they think they know how we think.  They believe we’re a bunch of primitive, unsophisticated, three-toed sloths who can’t tell the difference between a Bordeaux and Burgundy.  O.K., they might be right about the wine.  But I bet they couldn’t tell a Bud Light from a Coors Light.  Generally, they not only scoff at people who don’t think like them, they go out of their way to show their contempt and disdain for them.

The editors are also the problem.  You know, the guys who send these people out to review the movies?  Let’s take a movie by Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Willis, or someone similar.  How in the world can a 25 year old Manhattan woman, or a 33 year old San Francisco homosexual, or a 41 year old New York metro-sexual possibly properly review a movie like the Terminator, Rambo, or Die Hard movies?  They can’t.

How can a young Manhattan woman for example, possibly appreciate the blood, guts, violence, electronics, and war as depicted in the Terminator movies?  She can’t and she won’t.  Instead, she might tell you that the terminator showed no sensitive or feminine side, or had no feelings, so she couldn’t relate to him – you know, like the guys that they know and dominate in their daily lives.

Also, don’t get me wrong.  I’ve got nothing against women, metro-sexuals, or homo-sexuals.  As a matter of fact, I love women.  But I just don’t think like them when it comes to movies (or a lot of other things).  Also, we need these people to review wimpy, sissy, artsy movies.  Because, by the same token, we can’t have a real man reviewer going out to review Sleepless in Seattle or My Best Friend’s Wedding.  I mean, how can a macho, rugged man possibly give a review that would reflect the perspective of a woman or metro-sexual?

So view all of the reviews you read of action or violent films, or any films that portray real men as, well, real men, with a healthy shot of skepticism - because they aren’t speaking for you.  If you want to go see a good chick’s movie, take their advice.  They know the good chick’s movies.  If you want to go see a good real man’s movie – talk to a real man.

©2008 www.realmanmag.com

By FRANKLIN PIERCE

Science Correspondent

BRUSSELS, Belgium. (UP) -- Scientists at the University of Brussels have confirmed that certain visual stimuli have a direct impact on the nature and proportions of one’s reproductive system. Specifically, the study found that reading certain men’s magazines actually increased the size of men’s testicles and sexual organs. Researchers found the greatest increases occurred while reading the publication Real Man Magazine which touts itself as the world’s most popular online magazine for the man’s man.

Scientists believe the reasons for the increases in the size of both men’s and women’s sexual organs were due to a combination of the images and the content within the magazine. Certain images and content apparently stimulate the brain to produce increased levels of hormones. These hormones help the body to achieve enormous gains in the size of the sexual organs.

In the instances of GQ, Men’s Health, Men’s Vogue, and Best Life, where men’s sexual organs actually decreased in size, scientists found that the men showed dramatic increases in the hormone estrogen, found primarily and abundant in women. Scientists attribute this phenomenon to the predominantly feminine and homo-erotic images and content within these publications.

The results were not limited to physiology. Scientists reported unusual behaviors from persons participating in the study who experienced the most dramatic growth results.

In one case, a man consumed over a dozen beers, assaulted five aggressive tavern patrons, and had voluntary sexual relations with three women simultaneously, immediately after the incident. In another case, a man lifted a burning car off of an accident victim. Finally, researchers reported another man set new world records for weight lifting, bull riding, and ski jumping within two weeks after participating in the study.

In the case of the women, one woman initially characterized as reserved and docile, ventured into a local gentlemen’s club and performed a highly skilled burlesque routine involving gymnast-like moves around a center pole. The woman later had sexual relations with approximately five gentlemen simultaneously, leaving all of the men in a state of exhaustion. Several calls were also reported to emergency services. Apparently, certain women who participated in the study gained insatiable sexual appetites. Many of their partners called emergency operators requesting the dispatcher send out officers to restrain the women and prevent them from engaging in additional sexual acts with the men.  The officers responding to the scenes later requested the assistance of additional officers.

After the findings of the study were reported in the Brussels newspaper, the Real Man Magazine website was overloaded with visitors and was consequently offline briefly until additional servers were made available. The scientists are scheduled to publish the complete study later this year in the New England Journal of Medicine.